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© 2016 by Carolina Porto International Transition Coach

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My husband is taking all the blame!

May 25, 2017

 

 

 

Yes, we are on the move again and my mood is, as always, ever changing and a little on the bitchy side. My days were already filled up before we learned that we would need to move - yet again, and now, on the top of my work, the house, the children, the lives of everybody: the move itself. Overwhelming. Some days I just do not want to get out of bed, or I go for another round of that Netflix series at night. Have you felt like this before?

 

I know I did. And I am almost doing this again.

 

And I know now I need an outlet. What I did not know then. And my husband took all the blame in the past - without knowing and without my knowledge. 

 

More than a few times I needed to vent, I was stressed and tired of dealing with everything that I thought I had to deal with. I was trying to do everything at the same time, I was pursuing my dreams, my works and... And often I started a fight with him. Our relationship suffered and I felt alone to deal with that interminable "to do list". - He does not understand me! Little I knew that I was trying to escape of the moment to deal with myself and my feelings. 

 

The truth is, it is easier (easier, not easy!) to have someone to blame. And he was there. We were moving because of his job, I was taking care of his children, I did not have time for myself because I was dealing with his house and move, right? But no. When I have stopped to think about it, I was throwing my insecurities over him.

 

It is our lives. OUR. Our responsibility, and primarily, from my point of view, my responsibility - as I can only be responsible for myself and how I decide to see and do things.

 

I took all the responsibility myself and choose to carry the world on my back, thinking that I could deal with everything. Feeling confused is normal, not knowing what is going on and feeling scared is normal, but it is what we do with those thoughts that makes the difference in our lives. My husband was taking all the blame and I was not dealing with what I had to deal. Our relationship suffered. A lot. And my dream of having balance on my days was getting further and further.

 

I resented him for the move. I resented him for not being there for me, even if I never gave him the opportunity to be there for me. And, eventually, I learned.

 

How do I deal with our relationship during a move? I made a list, yes, a list. And do my very best to follow it up every day - yes, it is an every day choice.

 

1. Start taking care of yourself. Always.

 

2. Make time to do nothing. Nothing. Sit down, breathe and just let time pass by you. Even 5 minutes will do the trick if you do it every day.

 

3. Eat well. A car without petrol cannot function, and neither can you. And why not squeezing a weekly diner with your partner? Candle light or pic-nic. You will be taking care of yourself and your relationship.

 

4. Exercise. I know and you know it, right? Exercise will increase you attention, oxygen, digestion, stress relief... There are so many benefits on exercising that it is hard to understand why, sometimes, we just do not do it. Start small. And this is another great opportunity to take care of your relationship here: why not do it together? A small walk on the park nearby before the children wake up? A run at 7PM?

 

5. Change your perspective, too much focus on something it is not good. Slow down! You do not have to perform less, just adapt strategy. Small changes, make choices. How to do that? Take a real look on what is not working.

 

Although I am sure you heard all of these before, I am also positive it is a good thing to read it again and again. Do it. Today. For you and for your relationship.

 

Share your feelings and actions with a good friend or with me, if you have someone that knows what you are going trough and what are your plans it is harder not to try!

 

Stay safe, take care,

Carolina

 

 

 

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